Maybe Meaningful

I went to bed at 1:30 last night, and the only reason was homework. However, I did get a hundred on the quiz I stayed up to fill out the study guide for, so maybe it was worth it. There’s one thing I don’t understand: homework is supposed to be for extra practice – to make material stick in your brain – to reinforce it. Homework isn’t supposed to totally consume your life and not allow you to sleep. Us 13-year-olds are still growing, and we need sleep to do it.

Today I played tennis for the first time in what seemed like forever, though the last time was Sunday. It was the first time I’d felt happy (without any worries) in a while. A long-ass while. (Haha I’m supposed to give up cursing for Lent you can all see how that’s going).

I’m going to a mandatory church retreat this weekend and I’m nervous because they’re going to take our phones. It’s not because of social media or shallow things like that (though I’ll be sad I won’t get to stalk people for an entire weekend. Don’t you judge me. But seriously, there’s a girl who’s going who’s getting her neighbor to keep her Snapchat streaks going. Seriously people?) It’s because my phone is where I do a lot of my poetry and story writing and a lot of music devouring/discovery/killing me in a good way. If I can’t listen to music for two whole days…….let’s just say there are going to be some issues. At least I can take a notebook to the retreat and a flashlight is on the packing list (so I can write if I can’t sleep). Also, this means I’ll be forced to be social, and I am not so good at (which is why high school will be so rough for me – I’ll have to make new friends all over again and I’ve had the same friends for the past five years. But that’s something to panic about later).

And I’m posting this here because I’m becoming antisocial and writing instead and I don’t get to talk to the people I really want to talk to about the things I need to talk about. I have to let it out.

So here’s this.

So. Story time with Ivy. (Yes, all that ish about the retreat wasn’t story time. Also warning this going to get just a tad bit weird). There’s a park in a neighborhood in my town.  The park has a tennis court that I love to go to because it’s the only time I can be in slight unity with nature or the outdoors.

It started with one skateboarder. A guy with tied up long hair and cheap clothes. (Okay, let me just say that sometimes these people look really trashy. Sorry. But they do.) So  I was like, okay, I can live with one person watching me failing to hit tennis balls correctly (sometimes). So he’d skateboard, sit around on his phone, skateboard some more, etc, etc. The he took his shirt off and I was like oh look my vision seems to mysteriously cut off where you come in. (After a while I braved a look. He looked okay – lean and toned – muscles I was jealous of. Don’t judge.)

My coach says they probably have little parenting. And I can kind of get it. It makes me a little sad but…I don’t know. Sorry. Moving on.

One weekend, he brought a friend and was teaching him tricks. The next time it was two. I joked to my coach that an infestation was beginning. (I’m a bitch sometimes). So they brought a box to jump on and off of. And one weekend eight of them came. Eight. (You know, it’s really hard to spell the word eight). And I hated them for pushing the people who wanted to play tennis off the courts. For making me nervous playing because they came too close. My coach called the police on them because they;re not supposed to be there, but nothing happened. The court maintenance person hung up one of those generic public rules signs next to the entrance. You know, on of those that say no skateboarding, rollerblading, things like that.

They scratched out the word ‘skateboarding’ on the sign. I laughed and shook my head when I saw it. At least when people come to take up two courts (the skateboarders use two courts) they leave. So now they have a bunch of boxes (not really boxes but those wooden things they put the boxes on. I can’t explain them), a ramp, a railing-like thing (I have no idea what it’s for), and there’s a lot of them.

So today, the usual parade began. I am totally used to the sound of a skateboard hitting the ground behind me now. (Though I’m pretty self-aware. I can kind of sense (and hear) when someone is coming, and when I look I’m right). It started with him. I don’t know what to call him. I’ve stopped totally ignoring them and watch them skateboard. I’m sure they watch me (hopefully not while I’m failing). With every addition of an audience member, I’d get nervous for a minute and fail then gather myself again.

Something changed to me. I’m feeling increasingly caged by my house and my parents and my homework. (I can’t fucking wait until I can start driving). I suddenly admired that they had hours to come and waste and skateboard. I found a new appreciation for the tight turns, the balance needed for their skateboarding. I have no idea what their lives are like, but I admired their freedom.

The fact that they could spend as long as they wanted outside. I can hardly have five minutes without having to do something. So it’s a small miracle I’m writing this – that I have time (I should be going to bed. Oops). This is the longest thing I’ve written about me or my life.

I watched them, and, in that moment, I longed for a car. I’d hop in and drive straight across the country. I want to be grown up. I want free time. The way it looks, I’m going to spend my entire life working my butt off. And I don’t want to. Is it because I’m smart? Is it because somebody recommended my school to our family and I kind of realized my potential there? What if I want a break? Why don’t I get any breaks?

There’s a lot of shit I want in life – love, horses, writing, family, just to name a few. But people don’t do that much work and they get these things. Why?

Okay. Okay. I don’t know where this is going. I’m trying to make it meaningful, worthy of your time spent reading it. Somehow. I just don’t want any obligations. For a month. Maybe when I’m 18. Or in my late teens.  So I could do something I wanted. Even if it was sitting somewhere in California holed up (or outside) writing.

But I’d want someone to share it with. To go to random places and hike. Watch the sunsets. Maybe even post a story of it. Kiss under a tree on a mountain peak under the hot sun or the cool stars. Someone who won’t just read my stuff and tell me it’s great, but someone who will tell me how to get it even the tiniest bit closer to amazing.

I hate being thirteen a lot sometimes (a lot of times). You thought you were too young for things when you were little. But now that you understand the world better and know more things, you know that all the things you really want to do you can’t to do until you’re older.

And maybe I’m crazy. And maybe I’m just too in love with the idea of love to really know what it is. And maybe I’m just really impatient. And maybe I’m just afraid these things will never happen. But I’m going to end now. I really hope you got something out of this – it took a long while to write. I’ll end with this:

Dear Skateboarders,

I admire your freedom. I want to experience it. I want to ask your names and maybe try out a skateboard (and crash and burn). At any rate, have fun.

Enjoy your lives. Enjoy your youth. While everything lasts.

But who am I to say these things?


Until my eyes hurt from looking at a screen…


22 thoughts on “Maybe Meaningful

  1. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Damn girl you sumed up my life in one post. This is so beautiful chan

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’d just like to make note… great job with your lent resolution (lent resolution? lent resolution.) lol. Great post, and nice observation about the skateboarders, but I would also like to say that they probably could have something better to do than take up the tennis court. :-/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. this was so intriguing, i just couldn’t stop reading. hehe. you kinda remind me of when i was 13. i’m alittle more then double that now. and now that i have the freedom and responsbilities , i wish i appreciated the lack of all the adult stuff when i was younger. you may hear that all the time. that don’t take your teen years for granted- i mean, i always wished to be older too. maybe its wanting things that we don’t have. i donno. but neat post. 🙂

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  4. Wow…Ivy! You are a deep thinker, and a romantic! Probably it’s because you are so smart that you come up with these thoughts. The skateboarders look as if they have more freedom than you. Could be they try to get away from an oppressive environment, and skateboarding in a public place is free! Notice they ignore rules and do what they want. Sounds like a pack of trouble makers! Enjoy the weekend, make some friends, and write! 💛 Christine

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  5. Lots of feelings in this one Ivy. You have a passion for life and this is good. We have a feeling you are going to like this retreat! Life is definitely NOT a race to be compared with anyone. It is about perseverance, learning, patience and a whole lotta other things that develop along the way.

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  6. Thanks. 😝 I agree and I was mad at them for that for a long time but yesterday something came over me and I had a new appreciation of them. Thanks for the lovely comment!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you so much! That really meant a lot- I’m glad someone got something out of my rambling. I want to be older, but then stay young. I’m not looking forward to paying bills and all that business… anyway, thanks for the nice comment

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  8. True. Thank you as usual for the meaningful comment! I hope I have at least a little fun on the retreat. I hope to gain all of those things in the short thing that is a lifetime.

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  9. I guess life is filled with both things isn’t it. We have bills, but we can drive. You aren’t allowed to have boys over, ( well i wasn’t at that age haha )but you can eat a pound of fries every day for a week and not gain a thing. 🙂 Hehe. Balance.

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  10. Damn this is relatable in so many ways it ain’t funny. I know the feeling of watching everyone having free-time while I’m too busy doing stuff everyday. Sometimes I don’t even know how, out of sudden, more than 20 things have been added in my bucket list :’v
    Hey if it helps, maybe those skaters failed their school year :v
    Your post reminded me of this song called “Live Forever”. In case you haven’t heard it, I’m including the video below.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you so much! It means a lot for someone to say that! Maybe they did! It’s really annoying that something came over me: now I kind of hate them and am intrigued by the mystery of them at the same time. I want to at least find out their names and how old they are and what they do besides skateboarding (hopefully for their sake something educational). Thanks for the song (definitely relatable) and the comment!
    I know how you feel about the bucket list thing. Every day when I’m in the middle of my homework I take a break on my phone and I always find somewhere I want to go, something I want to do, or a new song to love (the only good thing that comes out of this). I have a growing list of things to say to the people I have no time to talk to. Sometimes it feels like the things that have always been there (time, school) that you enjoyed having or doing are working against me all of a sudden. And then I listen to a song and my chest hurts for no reason.
    Ack! Issues, issues, and issues, but then I realize a lot of people are way worse off than me (like the skateboarders probably are). haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah It felt good to say that. I hope you don’t mind me writing you a letter! -Ivy

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  12. Oh it’s okay haha. It is good when you finally let your thoughts go out. Like, sometimes you hear other people’s problems and then when you arrive home, you just want to shout because of everything that happens around you. The things you must do and the things you need to do and all this stuff we deal with. And then you want to find someone who you can talk to about these problems but none of your friends or family will understand you and that makes you even more upset/mad/sad and have all these mixed feelings and thoughts all over your head and the world just doesn’t stop and then you think on some global issues like wars and cancer and just AHHHHHH again.


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  13. Exactly! And the task of finding someone who would understand all my craziness would be an enormous task (or at least feels like it would). I’m so full of contradictions, am such a rude person sometimes, and general craziness (especially the kind that comes along with being a writer) that anyone who puts up with me, well I feel bad for them sometimes. 😅 But they haven’t left me yet, so I guess that’s a good sign. Sometimes I just don’t want to be tied to anyone or anything so I can just be free and do whatever the heck I want. But, again, first-world/people-who-are-not-struggling problems.

    Liked by 1 person

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