Self

sometimes

when i look in the mirror

my blood freezes in my veins

my heart stops

 

because i don’t know who i am anymore

i let myself become them

and i don’t know how to not be them

 

that’s when i long for a car

when i could trade my soul

to run away

for two days alone

for a journey

 

~in need of self-discovery

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Um, Title?

If anyone in the twenty-second century finds my poems and they’re considered classics and all that I can just imagine a teacher being like:

“Okay, class, who actually read Ivy’s famous ‘Um, Title?'”

But by then we might not have teachers…whoa…those lucky kids. Sorry my teachers make me go insane every day and I’m so ready to say goodbye _____________!

Sorry. Here’s poetry.


 

the teacher pissed me off

and maybe i was talking louder than necessary

but then she turned around

 

Wow, that’s the loudest I’ve ever heard Ivy speak!”

 

in that case

you’ve never

ever

heard me

 

but you wouldn’t know that,

would you?

wrapped up in your little bubble of

prettiness and popularity

 

I don’t know if you can call that poetry but there it is. This actually happened today and I thought girl you must be deaf because I am loud as fuck all the time and you only notice today – a week and a half before the end of eighth grade? We’ve been in the same class for nine months. Ugh.

Our semi-formal is this weekend – honestly it’s yet another popularity contest but hell yeah I’m going. Only because of my friends. Because I don’t have a date. Because I will be forever alone. 😅😜

There’s always Ohio Boy. Who asked me out. I honestly have no idea how that happened. He called me cute and I thought um, excuse me, do you need glasses? (I degrade myself too much). Of course I had to say no since my mom controls my life and would get pissed off to no end…but it happened…and I wanted to say yes…so does that count?

My life is a mess, but school’s almost over! Four more exams to go, and one’s tomorrow, but I’m pretty good at Spanish.

I will end up dying from too many heart attacks one after another – test stress, semi-formal, the pool party I miraculously got invited to, Ohio Boy…..

goodbye world

Sorry for the rant if you actually read this. And thank you guys for your unending support!

Also I couldn’t find a picture of screaming that didn’t look terrible so…

-Ivy

Ohio Boy

Finally I can write something happy! It’s all thanks to him..

I tried to write this in paragraphs but it just wasn’t working.


Ohio Boy,

you are the reason I feel the flutter

i haven’t felt in what might as well be a hundred years

i feel like i just went on a roller coaster

but all i did was talk to you

thank you for reminding me

that i am smart

that i am pretty

that got me through my test today

you don’t know

you were the first

to ever say these things to me

the first boy to ask me out

if only i could have said yes

i wish you didn’t take up quite so many of my thoughts

but i couldn’t care less

i know there’s a reason we met

and you’d better make it a good one

something

makes me want to make you feel

make you know

that you can be loved for more than just your body

But maybe I’m just being over-dramatic.

-Ivy

Mr. Perfect

you are not real

you are not real

you are not real

 

if you don’t exist

then what’s wrong with me

why do you take up so much of my thoughts

 

i will never meet you

but i imagine you right there

in all your glory

 

~Mr. Perfect

Why I Walked Away

i touch your face

trace your lips with my thumb

and i wonder why they all raised my expectations so high

the tv shows the teen novels the love that doesn’t actually exist everywhere

 

they’ve ruined me

i don’t think i can have you

i don’t think i deserve you

when sometimes all i can think about is them

 

i know the perfection isn’t real

they’re just words on a page

sometimes i reach out for them

and and my fingers bump into a hollow screen

 

i can’t touch you anymore

my skin is acid

my touch is poison

i’m sorry

 

~but i don’t deserve you

Sinful

your mouth rushes to meet mine

the feather-light brush of your fingertips down the lines of my collarbones makes me shiver

your head bends to trace the same path

your hands grip my hips and pull me closer

muscles tense as i jump and you hold me while my legs wrap around you

a few heart-pounding minutes later we let everything go

as for that new mattress  …

                                                   we didn’t quite make it

 

 

Used to.

Lonely.

when I was in love

there was a tsunami of words

rushing forth from within me

 

now i’m caged

lonely but for a few hours each day

depressed

i don’t feel like writing

the few words that appear in my mind down

 

all i want

is to get out of that gods-damned place

that has trapped me for five years

so sick of its constant popularity contest

every day brings me closer to the end

but it seems the days left multiply

 

maybe it’s a good thing everything fell apart now

so i was only alone

for a few months

instead of a few years

 

i’m so ready to leave

so ready to feel like i belong

somewhere


 

i want to scream

but when i try my throat dries up

 


 

Maybe.

i wish i had been better

maybe she wouldn’t have made you hate me

maybe i could have put a little goodness in your life

to counter her

 

how did we let one person

destroy four years of friendship

in a matter of months?

 

now you don’t want to talk to me

i have to plan what to say to you

and if you don’t hear me when i say it the first time

i just say never mind afraid that what i had to say was stupid

 

maybe i fucked up

maybe you left for her

maybe she fucked us up

 

what matters is that we’re fucked

fucked up into tiny sparkling pieces

still flying through the air towards my skin

it hurts as they find their home

drawing blood from deep beneath my skin

 

whatever.

it’s too late now.

isn’t it?

my heart breaks when i think good riddance

 

i always wanted to share high school with you

until now

and now

i have to share high school with her.

 

-Ivy

All my poetry sucks lately – it’s just a mess of shitty feelings. At least when I had those light crush feelings my poetry made sense.

Everything used to make sense.

used to.

 

Had you been there

you would have ran over to me in a heartbeat

we’d start gushing about how much

we love Annabel Lee.

 

But you weren’t.

Because of the force that had kept us separated since the sixth grade

the same force that had left me with friends

who left me.

 

She said she’d promised her

that she would come

but no

she’d promised me.

 

Sorry all my poetry is a nonsense rant. I don’t have time to explain. Never enough time. Never enough years under my belt because had I already had a driver’s license and car I would have been gone, gone, gone.

Summer is coming in 20 school days but I’ll only get to do one thing I want the whole time. I need a therapeutic hiking trip that I probably won’t get. I need to climb to the top of huge rocks and scream. I need those moments where your foot is falling to the next place to step and you don’t know if it’s stable but you have to keep moving. I need to add another scar to the growing map of adventures on my skin.

I need to be able to run away on my own, but instead I’m stuck for two more years. A part of the reason I need to scream.

More nonsense. Ugh. At any rate, I hope your week was better than mine.

-Ivy