I reach for you but my hand bumps into a cold screen.
i started walking
i just never stopped
i touch your face
trace your lips with my thumb
and i wonder why they all raised my expectations so high
the tv shows the teen novels the love that doesn’t actually exist everywhere
they’ve ruined me
i don’t think i can have you
i don’t think i deserve you
when sometimes all i can think about is them
i know the perfection isn’t real
they’re just words on a page
sometimes i reach out for them
and and my fingers bump into a hollow screen
i can’t touch you anymore
my skin is acid
my touch is poison
~but i don’t deserve you
Why does my heart get broken by people that aren’t even real?
Maybe it’s because I’ll never find anyone like them – because I know the world is too superficial to create someone like that.
Maybe it’s the world that’s broken – not me.
your mouth rushes to meet mine
the feather-light brush of your fingertips down the lines of my collarbones makes me shiver
your head bends to trace the same path
your hands grip my hips and pull me closer
muscles tense as i jump and you hold me while my legs wrap around you
a few heart-pounding minutes later we let everything go
as for that new mattress …
we didn’t quite make it
That moment when your foot is falling towards the next place you need to step – and you don’t know if that rock is steady but you have to step on it, have to keep moving – that is the moment I live for – whether I land unscathed or not.
The pleasant clomp of my hiking boots – it’s amazing what a pair of shoes can do to a person – they make me feel steady and confident – I know I won’t slip with them on – whether I’m climbing the hardest trail on the mountain or flirting with you.
Hours of picking out places to step and going up and up and up are so worth it. So worth it when I can see a small part of the world’s vastness from the top, when I can scream fuck as long and as loud as I want to, when I can sit in the sun’s glow and write, content to be alone with my words. A place where no one can judge me or challenge me, because I made it here perfectly fine by myself.
And to you, the peak I have not yet reached, the ladders that scared me, the rocks that have cut open my leg, I will master you someday. I will climb both of your jutting peaks. And when I do, well, the world had better watch out.
There are physical needs – food, shelter, clothing. There are the needs that fuel my soul – mastering the mountain.
I’ll master the mountain – perhaps I’ll kiss you on its heights someday – our lips tasting like the salt of sweat.
There are many things I want to do in life. The one I hope for the most is mastering my body, turning it into something greater than it was when I was born. I want to learn how to fight, do back flips, more than two pull-ups, parkour, how to do that cool thing where you knock the gun out of the person’s hand and end up pointing it at them, and so much more.
I don’t just want to go to the top of a mountain, I want to run up the damn thing.
Long story short, I need to go hiking. I thought I’d put it into writing.
when I was in love
there was a tsunami of words
rushing forth from within me
now i’m caged
lonely but for a few hours each day
i don’t feel like writing
the few words that appear in my mind down
all i want
is to get out of that gods-damned place
that has trapped me for five years
so sick of its constant popularity contest
every day brings me closer to the end
but it seems the days left multiply
maybe it’s a good thing everything fell apart now
so i was only alone
for a few months
instead of a few years
i’m so ready to leave
so ready to feel like i belong
i want to scream
but when i try my throat dries up
i wish i had been better
maybe she wouldn’t have made you hate me
maybe i could have put a little goodness in your life
to counter her
how did we let one person
destroy four years of friendship
in a matter of months?
now you don’t want to talk to me
i have to plan what to say to you
and if you don’t hear me when i say it the first time
i just say never mind afraid that what i had to say was stupid
maybe i fucked up
maybe you left for her
maybe she fucked us up
what matters is that we’re fucked
fucked up into tiny sparkling pieces
still flying through the air towards my skin
it hurts as they find their home
drawing blood from deep beneath my skin
it’s too late now.
my heart breaks when i think good riddance
i always wanted to share high school with you
i have to share high school with her.
All my poetry sucks lately – it’s just a mess of shitty feelings. At least when I had those light crush feelings my poetry made sense.
Everything used to make sense.
Had you been there
you would have ran over to me in a heartbeat
we’d start gushing about how much
we love Annabel Lee.
But you weren’t.
Because of the force that had kept us separated since the sixth grade
the same force that had left me with friends
who left me.
She said she’d promised her
that she would come
she’d promised me.
Sorry all my poetry is a nonsense rant. I don’t have time to explain. Never enough time. Never enough years under my belt because had I already had a driver’s license and car I would have been gone, gone, gone.
Summer is coming in 20 school days but I’ll only get to do one thing I want the whole time. I need a therapeutic hiking trip that I probably won’t get. I need to climb to the top of huge rocks and scream. I need those moments where your foot is falling to the next place to step and you don’t know if it’s stable but you have to keep moving. I need to add another scar to the growing map of adventures on my skin.
I need to be able to run away on my own, but instead I’m stuck for two more years. A part of the reason I need to scream.
More nonsense. Ugh. At any rate, I hope your week was better than mine.
it would hurt that much
until it happened to them
But maybe the reason it hurt so much
is because the people who looked away
there were twenty-six of them
After four years
and all we’ve done for each other
you wouldn’t sit
at the empty desks surrounding me
I’m not worth ten minutes of your time anymore
but at least I’m ready for it
I’ve had a lot of practice being alone while surrounded by “friends”
time to put it to good use.